For F

The first smile I saw was one of melancholic tone, you never really made me understand your true sorrow but I knew something or someone had torn a piece of you away. Tears stream my face knowing I may never get the chance to embrace such neediness from that melancholic smile again. My heart stopped briefly when you text me or phoned me, I felt young again, I felt like this affair was my resurrection. Your lips and tongue searching my mouth for that passion that stirred within us as you embraced me like no other could. I could not feel more alive than when your arms held me so close as you flooded me with your love, your moans of passion were so sincere and real that dreams couldn't be this overwhelming. Your eyes, oh how your eyes entranced my very soul that if I could have had the courage to tell you right then how I felt maybe you'd still be here holding me in the coldness of the day.

I should have told you that I loved you F, at that very moment I would have given everything to be with you.

I saw her at the event, her row right in front of mine, embracing the love of her family around her and her appreciation seeing you on stage. She loves you and right then I knew I never had a chance, I never had the right, to flood my emotions when I needed love the most, and have her suspicious or maybe even hurt. At that moment I felt so alone and I felt ashamed, but I couldn't fathom the idea of taking back how blissful you made me feel for a brief time, how you made me smile and glow. I am forever changed by you and forever grateful for your love, as short as our journey was together, I believe in my heart we may walk down a similar path together in another life. For there is no question that we walk down a parallel universe, just happened to be at different times.

"I hold you up on a pedestal and still you classify me as your pawn. You should be careful for the pawn is the one who holds you up and can make you fall"I can't believe my last blog was in July, the entire summer I went without saying a word and I have had so much to say. Well I suppose I will start with the fact that E and I are still together but holding on by a very thin thread. Have you ever had weeks where you go to work, you come home and you are completely and utterly enthralled with your online life? In fact, I would call it 'obsessed', yes, that is the word- and with "convienient" sites such as Facebook, myspace, the obnoxious messenger and other such sites you get to view the lives of those around you on a minute to minute basis. Sadly, I have joined those obsessives in the hopes to find something out about E, the things he is up to whenever he is not around me, which lately or should I say for a few months now has been very illfrequent. The saddest aspect of it all is that he is not really doing anything other than going to work, sleeping and occassionally errands and spending time with friends. But yet the more I hovered my face over the screen to my pc, the more paranoid I became when I didn't see him or hear from him and it gave way to a whole new monster I was becoming. And as of last Friday, it all came tumbling down on me and when I asked him if he still wanted to be with me he replied with " I don't know". This turbulent turn of events has made me even more depressed than the first time he tried to end things with me. Oops, not sure if I mentioned that already but in June E did infact end things for about a week until he realized or so he claims, that he missed me and loved me and didn't want things to happen so dramatically. Now this turn of events has left me feeling skeptical at all costs, unwanted, unloved and trying to keep my big mouth as shut as humanly possible.

So, I thought instead of making a wrong thing even worse, I'd put some truth and rightneous in the limelight and so I wrote him what I truely felt and if things do end up going south at least I told him what he needed to know about him and how much I love him:

I have been looking through the friend grids that people send to others and I thought about you and what I would put you under but the thing is I couldnt decide because there are so many titles I could give you:

the first one being smart- one of the first things that attracted me to you was your intellect, your creative, inventive, and no way be taken for a fool.

the second being cute- when I think of you being cute is that smile and laugh you give me when I tickle you.

kindness- you show patience, tolerance, and kindness to the people around you, humanity wouldnt be the same without someone like you.

flirty- you know you are, I know you are around other women but its not the flirtiness, its the confidence that comes to the surface which is so utterly sexy.

Rich- and I mean it in the most important way- the richness of the friends you have in your life.

Friendly, happy and nice all role into one, Im sure everyone can count on you to be that way around them at all times.

Handsome- there is no question about that one, your sexy eyes and mischevious smile are one of the few reasons why Im crazy about you.

serious- you try to put up a front but the truth is when you start talking about serious issues you end up in a joke, that is your way of dealing with things that are too serious and perhaps rightfully so, because life shouldnt be taken so seriously.

Funny- just when I least expect it you come up with something clever and witty that knows exactly how to make me smile. and you dont take yourself so seriously.

Cuddly- the best moments Ive ever had with you is when you take me in your arms and hold me.

I think that pretty much covers the grid area but not you overall. :) I suppose I wrote this because I know things are shaky between us and Im not sure where you really stand with me but I thought you should know regardless that as a person, you are more than you'll ever know. xo

It's not easy to sit here and ask yourself to give up someone who may be miserable with you. There are no words to describe how I feel about E because he truely is the love of my life but if it's really not reciprocated how can I ask him to stay if he really wants out? No matter how selfish I can be sometimes I could never ask him to stay with me for my happiness. Letting go is supposed to be the object of the "game", to let go so they have the chance to come back into your life but sometimes I truely believe that the people we want never do come back and the people you accept in lue of, are the ones knocking on your front door. Life fucking sucks, in otherwords.

~Taken from March 2008~

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....I have found revelations in my sorrow. One of them is the idea that people will come into your life, for the first or hundredth time, when they are ready. Perhaps F will be the revelations I need. I don't want to get my hopes up because he does seem a little too eager to meet someone he's never spoken to yet, but I can't be a hypocrite, for I want to meet him too.

I want to make a positive change for myself. I just need the strength to do so. I have also made sexual revelations in my need for new experiences. Craving and desires I haven't felt in years or..ever. And this new exploration has brought me back to the passion of writing and through one eye opening book I revealed another revelation; why not have my own blog page? Fuck, how corny is that...here's what I ended it with- My journey began with me, so it should end with me.

I'll try to find something less dramatic from now on in my journal search......

I believe that a new door has opened and for the first time I feel like it's the right thing and it might not have been so easy if I had not decided to give love another chance. This time everything feels so right that I sometimes catch myself smiling when I hear his name or see him texting me:) But the narcisist in me thinks it might be too good to be true and for me, that's usually the case. However, I can't hold back the feelings he gives me; He makes me feel so good about myself, this confidence I feel has got me thinking that I am worthy enough of a good man..and the way he holds me and makes love to me takes my breath away. His name is E. (Taken from Dec/08)

Diary of a 30 day Yoga challenge~



This is what I wrote within my May 2009 challenge in Bikram Yoga (I put more detail in purple):

Instructor-C(Day 1) Love you C! afternoon class - It was great to be back, off for two months couldn't wait to see familiar teachers and students and was secretly hoping F would come back, he was a great motivator for keeping Bikram Yoga in my life.

Instructor-M(Day 2) afternoon class - so interesting to see C's mother teach a class again and this time much more fluid dialogue, she is very soothing but tough, much like C:).

Instructor-M(Day 3) morning class - morning classes are my favorite, they give me so much more energy for the day.

Instructor-M (Day 4) afternoon class - not feeling too well today I'm going to take it easy in class (if that's even possible. when you have M, it's not possible, in fact I don't think Ive gone a day in any class where I have or can take it easy.

Instructor- K(Day 5) night class-very hot but surprisingly comfortable. This would be the first time I meet K, and it's not a positive one, I would soon learn to dislike this woman but feel very good after the class is over and I've released all my pent up hostility lol.

Instructor - E (Day 6) afternoon class- stressed out but very encouraging instructor. E is amazing, she is very soothing but keeps your motivation high.

Instructor - C (Day 7) afternoon class- one week down, I found it went quite fast, feel more energetic. And for the most part, the entire month went a lot faster than I anticipated and I managed to lose two to three pounds.

Instructor - J (Day 8)- afternoon class- went very fast, feel very focused on perfecting poses when I can. J is probably one of the best instructors, she is witty and has given me the best advice in my favorite pose, the standing bow. Plus she helped me breath more naturally, Don't have her too often, which is sad.

Instructor - S (Day 10)- afternoon class- Not going to miss another class again, I could feel it! Yeah I missed Day nine because of things going on between E and myself.

Instructor -K (Day 11)- afternoon class- didn't write anything, guess because it was K's class lol.

Instructor -S and C (Day 9 &12)- Taking two class today, feeling quite calm in the morning class, but died this evening. C was so bent on motivating me that night, but it was too much, didnt want to miss another class again.

Instructor - M (Day 13)- Evening class- quite tired, not sure how this night will pan out.

Instructor - C (Day 14) (Yeah!)-afternoon class- Had some fun company for this class, made it go by quite quickly! OMG, I had the hottest guy beside me and we were cracking jokes the whole class, it was a fun class.

Instructor - J (Day 15) afternoon class - went very well, had lots of energy. Smiles the whole time.

Instructor - X (Day 16) afternoon class- feeling quite tired, wanted to see my baby longer:( I remember that day I saw E at Timmy's and I didn't feel right when I left, like something was missing. And that damn instructor (don't remember her name, that's why there's an X) kept the humidifier on, I actually had to leave the room, first time ever! I came back in as fast as I could but all the students were struggling because the heat was so intense, our skin felt like it was burning.

Instructor- S (Day 17) morning class - (went to see my guy after yoga last night, feeling tired, hope I feel rejuvenated afterwards.

Instructor - D (Day 18) afternoon class - quiet today on Victoria Day, peaceful too. feeling tired and stressed out. I had a short but stressful day at work but was so glad to take D's class, her voice is so soothing and tranquil, I anticipate any class I have with her.

Instructor -J (Day 19) afternoon class - feel tired but energized. hmmm...it seems I feel more energized with afternoon classes.

Instructor - E (Day 20) afternoon class - feel a bit of energy, only ten days left!

Instructor - C (Day 21) morning class - feel motivated, hopefully its a quiet class. C always promises disciplinary action and she gives it lol. Still love her though.

Instructor - M (Day 22) evening class - 2 beers and too much sun, please be gentle on me!! LOL yeah I had a lot of food the day before for dinner, then beers and felt the heat, but the class was still OK, hate to say it but alcohol can sometimes help be more limber in class ( a little, not a lot).

Instructor - D (Day 23) afternoon class- feeling energized, he was an awesome instructor!

Instructor - M (Day 24) morning class - tired...busy day today, hopefully it starts off good!

Instructor - E (Day 25) afternoon class - people are irritable today! want to relieve stress majorly and I get to see my baby tonight!! not much to say about these days, was looking forward to the challenge being over unfortunately, there were many other things I wanted to attend to but the schedule around yoga was stretched and not very flexible.

Instructor - K (Day 26) night class - Was not impressed! She gave me attitude, only five classes left, hopefully I'm not nauseous during class ate less than two hours prior. Oh I was so livid, that cute guy I mentioned in earlier classes, we joked a bit tonight and she was ready to kick both of us out! To this day she is still cold to me, I try to avoid her classes as much as possible.

Instructor - C (Day 27) afternoon class - lots of stress, hopefully its a good class. Lots of stuff was brewing between E and myself, didn't realize it was going to come to a full head in just a matter of days....

Instructor - C (Day 28) afternoon class - SO ANGRY AND STRESSED!!!! C made me go to the front lol, great teacher! E and I got in a huge fight that day plus work, plus family, plus friends=not a happy girl! I also had a panic attack when we reached the floor series. So much pent up frustration.

Instructor - E (Day 29) afternoon class - feeling tired, hopefully my night is better, had a much better night, feeling calm, second to last class, I did it!!

Instructor - D (Day 30) afternoon class - last day...tired! Went to the front of the class, figuring it would be a good one, but he gave me attitude, not a huge fan of D anymore. ~

"Halo", baby I can see your halo, pray it won't fade away.

It has been a hectic couple of weeks, recovering from my illness which still has no identity and with it, has got my baby paranoid, lol, which is kind of cute. And yes, the last time I was on here, things did not seem so great between E and I but ofcourse, once again, I am a paranoid android with no patience. But now everything is so fucking amazing I really have no words to describe E and the time we have spent together in the past week. He makes me feel like a queen but I don't approve of men getting in between me and my personal hygenic equipment there is just things men really don't need to know or to touch, lol.

Well, Valentines Day came and went but not without some surprises. I would have logged in sooner however, I am finally recuperating from an awful illness that hit me like a ton of bricks shortly before V-day. As I look back at my last posting I have to laugh at what I wrote about the atypical giving and recieving aspect of Valentines Day; E ended up giving me flowers and chocolates and I ended up giving him clothes and chocolate. I thought I could get away from the stereotypical gifts but apparently not lol. However, because E and I were quite ill that night, we managed to see eachother for only a couple hours and ever since then, our relationship seems to be on quite a hiatus. Remember what I mentioned about relationships based on texting? The last time E and I saw eachother was V-day and when I tried to talk to him over the phone he acted rudely (mind you I was upset at him and acting rather bitchy) and those five minutes (give or take) are the only means of verbal communication we have had with one another in the past two weeks. Texting is what we have resorted to and now I really wonder if we are going to make it even another week...

One idea I would like to bring to the attention of men is the fascinating ritual of showering a women with affection and attention the first few weeks and month of dating and then they feel like they have done their duty and laze out altogether. It's as if they feel they don't have to win her approval and the courting has ended. It appears to me that they have given me a false interpretation of who they are and they no longer have to show me any courtesy and affection. Now, I am in no way a high maintenance girl but I do have a few demands that I feel are reasonable and they are the following:

* show a girl the courtesy of a phone call, texting is rude and should not be the only means of communication- I can't stress that enough!

* do NOT say you love me if you really don't mean it and if your only saying it because I treat you well, it should mean that you love ME and if you don't know anything about me, how can you feel that affection?

* do NOT say you love me in order to get sex, do NOT kiss up to me, it's like begging, only dogs should beg.

* I do not enjoy clingyness nor am I one to "check up on you", but I do want to know that you want to spend time with me and that I can trust you, I want to feel special just like you do.

* No, messenger and FB are not a means of communication, it's just like texting.

* I recipocate love if I receive love, I recipocate hurt if I receive hurt, in otherwords, I will be a bitch if I feel disrespected.

Well, enough of that!

I've been receiving some much flattering attention from G in the past month, I know that his attention can't be used for anything real but the fantasy of it drives me wild some nights. There are times when I am so tempted to just drive down to see him, I feel like he would be my remedy, that if I disappeared for a few days and spend it with G I could look at life differently, maybe appreciate E more, I don't know, but I feel this longing again for G and that may not be a good sign. Everything seems to remind me of him, like I'm receiving signs and symbolism from television to conversations to even the mountaintops of Mt. Baker that peers through my car window at unexpected times. I feel this intuition, this knowing feeling that creeps up on me and I don't know what to do but lately it sure is telling me that I need a change.

February Air

Ah...February, the month of love...oh how I'm cringing at the thought of what next weekend will bring. Since I last updated my love life, E and I have had a bit of conflict but on the flip side, he has also told me he loves me. Not sure if that's too soon or not, in fact to be quite honest, I went into this relationship thinking I knew a thing or two and low and behold, I feel more confused than ever. There should seriously be a dating manual because I'm lost as to what to do when it comes to making up, fighting "constructively" and understanding how much time should you put into a relationship. Up to this moment, E and I are not exactly talking to one another, we are texting.

I'm going to detour for a moment and share my thoughts on text communication as well as email communication. ITS NOT A RELATIONSHIP WHEN THERE IS ONLY TEXT AND EMAIL COMMUNICATION. Things get reworded and assumptions are made as to what the other person is really trying to say. That is how fights start and what I find over and over with men is they would rather text you their feelings than say it in person. Oh yeah, how romantic that is to read that someone loves you rather than hearing it and seeing them say it in person, right? Men consider it a form of efficiency, I find it to be a form of disrespect and being a "pussy". As well, there are some who go as far as to break up with you the same way; just imagine you wake up one morning, turn on your PC go to your hotmail or FB and read that you are officially single once again due to the magic of computer technology. It just seems morally unethical that men try to bail out in the easiest possible way. Even better, you go on FB and now all your two hundred and something friends know that you have been dumped and the sympathetic wall postings are starting to come in. If a person does not have enough integrity to have or end a relationship in person, then they have no business being out in the dating world...or they are married lol.

Anyways, as I was saying, E and I are having some frustrations due to the fact that I am feeling very unsure about him and how much I actually trust him. For the first time on Friday, he actually bailed on seeing me and I was pretty hurt. Now, we have this tension between us and my intuitive feelings are making me paranoid as well as neglected. I don't need to be reassured every minute about where we stand, but if something upsets me and a man brushes it off like it's no big deal I start to question if I was overreacting or if he really just doesn't care anymore. Well, for today I'm ignoring him, if he bothers to communicate....unless he calls....:) If he texts, he can go f*#k himself!

As for Valentine's Day, the intolerable commercially marketed day that forces people to reconnect with one another. One thing I can't understand is that so many couple fall for the commercial hype; they go out to eat even though they won't be able to hear each other because the restaurant is packed with endless amounts of other couples bickering. They go to a chick flick or a horror movie so they don't have to talk to one another after the silence at the dinner table and then they go home to have sex. He buys her flowers and/or chocolate, tells her she's beautiful; she buys him either electronic or clothes and tells him she loves him and they are basked away in the heat of the moment. Now, don't misinterpret me, I value the concept and the meaning of Valentine's Day, I just don't appreciate how there is only one day to share love and the meaningless ways people share that day. I would rather stay in, cook him a meal or cook together, share dessert, have a drink, rent a movie and have sex all over the house. Or if you do go out, plan something that involves privacy and a hobby that both of you enjoy together.

Ok, enough of that, I suppose in less than a week I'll know what my Valentine will do for me (or won't do for me). I'm now signing out and going to enjoy the day at a friend's place where I can escape my four walls and stop looking at my phone to ring. oh yeah, and get extremely high..hey what can I say? Maryjane makes it all go away.....

Over the past few weeks I have postponed writing here because I log in and stare at the screen, waiting for that magic wave of creativity to take place and low and behold, I end up empty and frusterated. Sometimes I believe I expect too much from myself, sometimes I should just let it flow and today I have the motivation and perhaps a careless attitude to just sit down and say something...anything. I remember when I first started this blog I explained that the major theme of this blog would entail relationships and my persoal experiences with men and when I look back at all I have posted, it has transformed into how I FELT about the relationships or lack thereof. Since my last posting, much has changed, especially my attitude towards men and my relationship status lol. I officially have a boyfriend! Geez, that sounds so highschoolish but this man overwhelms me and scares me in ways that I don't think I have ever felt (but I will explain a little more abou that later). I met him at the end of November and yes, it was through a dating site, one I believe many have heard of/and or are on right now. I agreed to meet him for coffee and I do have to say, even though I was curious about him I really did not go into this meeting with high hopes or even a regard to see this person again. But before you judge, it was not because of him, it was my attitude towards men in general; I had given up the idea that I would find someone that would appreciate me and accept me for who I am.

I showed up early at the coffee house, hoping to collect my thoughts and relax with hot chocolate before we met, however, I had to entertain a fellow patron for half an hour while I waited in [slight] anticipation, listening to them rattle on about their life and problems in today's society (why is it that I'm the one that people gather to for answers about life, how the fuck do I know? lol) The minutes seemed to stretch out agonizingly but at the same time I almost hoped he wouldn't show up just so I could justify my need to be frusterated by men. But then something caught my eye and as I gazed out past the patron to the window, I noticed a man walking slowly up to the door, reaching out for the handle and I knew instinctively, it was him. Just as slowly, he opens up the door and I caught his face and noticing just how much taller he looked than I expected. He seemed unsure about entering the coffee house, as if he was either thinking he had the wrong place or he saw me and wanted to bail out. Instead he walked in and stared intently at me, lol, as if I was prey and for the first time in a long time I was actually intimidated. I stood up and smiled and said "Hi, you must be E", although I was a little confused by his reaction towards me. I recieved a grim "hi" back with a bit of a frown, to this day I'm not too sure what was going through his mind but I have been assured that it was nothing short of positive. My heart beat so fast while we sat and talked and although I have been nervous in the past, I do remember that I could barely speak, I didn't know what to say or do. Even though he appeared to be disinterested or disappointed, this was not the case at all and our meeting ended up being our very first date that lasted all night (well until midnight anyway).

After he drove me home that night, I began to feel a part of me open up and let go, let go of the fears that I anticipated for the holidays of being alone; the fears that I would never find someone to open my heart up to; the fears that I would never be able to let go of G. Yes, G is someone that I have only mentioned in one exerpt on this blog beginning with "You should let me love you". He is an intense character that I will further discuss but for someone like "E" to revolutionize my newfound appreciation for love again makes me think that "E" will be a man to hold onto. And since that first night, I sincerely believe that no man has ever come close to caring about me the way "E" does. This relationship is still fairly new and I don' t want to jinx it so I will end it there for now.