I look out past the window, arching my head up to the skies above and into the darkness that surrounds the vastness of the atmosphere, waiting..waiting for that moment; a moment I am unprepared to face. An anxious endurance for something different to happen, a telephone call, an email, a knock at the door, anything if you will instead of that moment that will sparkle the troposphere in just a few short minutes.
I checked the departure time and now as I sit on my sill watching the world cloud over, waiting listlessly for time to absolve into forever, a cool breeze sweeps over my uncovered arms and I feel a chill rise over my body creeping into my neck and I feel a whole new ending to this chapter. This moment makes it all too real, that inevitability and as I take a deep breath in I look past the trees and buildings that block a part of my visibility of the depths of darkness until I see the first faint glimpse of your light. The plane slowly excels higher into the sky with the sparkle and glitter of something that resembles a kind of firework and I am mesmerized by red and yellow flicker of my world leaving me. I try to catch my breath in the realization that these lights symbolize the idea that you are indeed leaving me forever and tears come in deep sobs, sobs of desperation as the plane begins to fall off in the distance, growing smaller until it is hidden behind an obscure and irritating silhouette of a building. I cry out in the hopes of just one more moment, something to hang onto as I frantically climb out into the chill of the night air onto my roof tiles, holding onto whatever balance i have within these glistened eyes and panicked head.
Just one more moment but it's too late, any angle I dare try to find is useless, your gone. I am now jealous of the night sky that has enveloped you into it's orbit and has taken you away from me in a jet fueled craft that has no desire of giving you a round trip.
I slump my shoulders and trudge myself back to the window sill and know that this moment is now history and somehow my life must return back to some sort of normalcy. The question i beg to differ is how does one's life go back to the way it was when you have been changed in so many ways by someone you don't want to let go of? ( March 2/11)
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Your in Malta now F alongside the bright lucrid flames of red hair and fair skin that is H. I feel in my heart she will be luring you in with those intense eyes and sly grimace of a smile and with your yearning of lustful naivete you my dear F will accept so modestly the kisses from her lips and the touch of her skin yours as you delight in the indulgence of her making love to you under a crisp clear ocean of bliss. I am now jealous of not just the night sky that throws you to the winds of time but now into the arms of a girl, not yet a woman.
In my jealous midst I laugh at the thought of your inhibitions being led to this woman with physical capacity but a child of mental capacity. (March 27/11)
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The winds are warmer now this time of year and I do believe because of it change will surely come. One week from now I shall be in the company of this red headed Medusa and I will ache just to be within the nature of her company purely because she was in your capacity.
And with that my dear F, I will say goodbye. Goodbye to you and may you find that contentment you have been yearning for.
I say goodbye to the nights I thought about you, the days I hoped to see you as I walked toward the studio, the times I felt caged and free by your never forgiving need to want something from me and with my naivete i gave to you wholeheartedly, knowing you would never give me what I wanted in return. I say goodbye to the times you opened up so intimately your thoughts, regrets, hopes, ideas, passions, your fiddle that I will imagine you with on a secluded beach, the brief moment that i actually thought i wanted you and the more lucid idea that I in fact had you at one point. Goodbye to my heart pounding, goodbye to your smiles, goodbye to our sarcastic antics, goodbye to the last three years of unrequited love.
You are a star in some far away planet and I think i may now realize that I would rather be on a world I understand than be on a distant world that leaves me alone and in the dark with no light to guide me to a place I can call home.
