Over the past few weeks I have postponed writing here because I log in and stare at the screen, waiting for that magic wave of creativity to take place and low and behold, I end up empty and frusterated. Sometimes I believe I expect too much from myself, sometimes I should just let it flow and today I have the motivation and perhaps a careless attitude to just sit down and say something...anything. I remember when I first started this blog I explained that the major theme of this blog would entail relationships and my persoal experiences with men and when I look back at all I have posted, it has transformed into how I FELT about the relationships or lack thereof. Since my last posting, much has changed, especially my attitude towards men and my relationship status lol. I officially have a boyfriend! Geez, that sounds so highschoolish but this man overwhelms me and scares me in ways that I don't think I have ever felt (but I will explain a little more abou that later). I met him at the end of November and yes, it was through a dating site, one I believe many have heard of/and or are on right now. I agreed to meet him for coffee and I do have to say, even though I was curious about him I really did not go into this meeting with high hopes or even a regard to see this person again. But before you judge, it was not because of him, it was my attitude towards men in general; I had given up the idea that I would find someone that would appreciate me and accept me for who I am.

I showed up early at the coffee house, hoping to collect my thoughts and relax with hot chocolate before we met, however, I had to entertain a fellow patron for half an hour while I waited in [slight] anticipation, listening to them rattle on about their life and problems in today's society (why is it that I'm the one that people gather to for answers about life, how the fuck do I know? lol) The minutes seemed to stretch out agonizingly but at the same time I almost hoped he wouldn't show up just so I could justify my need to be frusterated by men. But then something caught my eye and as I gazed out past the patron to the window, I noticed a man walking slowly up to the door, reaching out for the handle and I knew instinctively, it was him. Just as slowly, he opens up the door and I caught his face and noticing just how much taller he looked than I expected. He seemed unsure about entering the coffee house, as if he was either thinking he had the wrong place or he saw me and wanted to bail out. Instead he walked in and stared intently at me, lol, as if I was prey and for the first time in a long time I was actually intimidated. I stood up and smiled and said "Hi, you must be E", although I was a little confused by his reaction towards me. I recieved a grim "hi" back with a bit of a frown, to this day I'm not too sure what was going through his mind but I have been assured that it was nothing short of positive. My heart beat so fast while we sat and talked and although I have been nervous in the past, I do remember that I could barely speak, I didn't know what to say or do. Even though he appeared to be disinterested or disappointed, this was not the case at all and our meeting ended up being our very first date that lasted all night (well until midnight anyway).

After he drove me home that night, I began to feel a part of me open up and let go, let go of the fears that I anticipated for the holidays of being alone; the fears that I would never find someone to open my heart up to; the fears that I would never be able to let go of G. Yes, G is someone that I have only mentioned in one exerpt on this blog beginning with "You should let me love you". He is an intense character that I will further discuss but for someone like "E" to revolutionize my newfound appreciation for love again makes me think that "E" will be a man to hold onto. And since that first night, I sincerely believe that no man has ever come close to caring about me the way "E" does. This relationship is still fairly new and I don' t want to jinx it so I will end it there for now.