The Beginning of an End?

Rain peddles across in many directions on my face as the wind brings in a harsh chaotic array of air that makes the water dry instantly around my cheeks. The rain brings a comforting chill to my body, a refreshing atonement of how vital water is when your skin needs to absorb necessary hydration. The undeniable thirst that the body craves is also the same undeniable hunger a woman searches for with love.

You, my sweet prince, are back and with butterflies fluttering I let the rain pour down on my head and face as I walk to the studio just to cool down the heat of anticipation. You come over to embrace me and I cannot help but want to fall into your arms and stay there. Your sweet wet lips on mine and the warmth of your hold captivate me.

I wrote a few weeks back about the coldness of your touch and I realize it was a defensive way of holding back the anxiety I knew I would feel once you came back after almost a year.

"There's nothing for me here in Canada anymore though, as of March 2nd I go back and I am not going to return". As much as I have heard similar tunes from you F, I feel for the first time this one is true.

After your class I left without you and as I exited the front doors of the building I realized how empty that moment became and that perhaps I really have to let go of the past; our past. The difficult question is how? How can I honestly go the rest of my life without seeing you?

You told me some troubling things about your family and it feels as though you need to push people away in order to remain calm. What if I said I understand you, that I accept you and that I love you for who you are, always have. A man that regained my self confidence, who taught me to be strong and who never stopped caring about me. To me, there is too much to just sweep away and if I get the chance I will come to you in Czech and I will tell you everything I always wanted to. if you really want it, it's all for you love~

Me and My Charms

You can come back when you want to
just know that I'll be here
I haven't left this step
and when the lights go out
I pick the angel up
I only have two hands...

Is she here? is she here right now?
drive her off; don't bother to call
I'm checking out today...

Me and My charms
When I kiss the angel I
have a taste of you
When I take the angel I
have a piece of you
I have a piece

You can come back
I haven't left you yet
and when the lights go out
I pick the angel up
I only have two left feet
All I have in my hands, me and my charms

When I kiss the angel I have a
taste of me and my charms

me and my charms down on the ground

you can't leave me now

I haven't left you yet

sunshine (to heal)

to say what you mean and what you want are probably the two hardest things to accomplish successfully. it's already November and as the clock ticks closer and closer to your arrival back to Vancouver I feel a warmth, a unified glow or rays of wanting and a means to tell you all that I had felt when you flew out of my life just eleven months prior. I thought at that time I would not get the chance to ever tell you that I succumbed to love. I wanted to tell you that I couldn't keep it simple; that I wanted to be more than just a love affair and I wanted mostly, to tell you to stay.

now that eleven months has passed and hearing the coldness of your voice through your letters makes me realize the glow is and will be of temporary means and no doubt it will not be the same as before until it will evidently fade into darkness.

I look back at our time fondly but it is so much dimmer than the inoculate fairy tale of light that you blinded me with. I wonder what will become of this forgotten love that so briefly had me entranced in a ray of light.

Your breath, your kiss, your touch was all I thought I needed to heal until I finally came to the conclusion that your breath was shallow, your kiss was passionless and your touch was cold.

...no need to worry though, my sunshine is exactly where I left it, all in the feel and kiss and touch of the man I truly love...E.

Eat, Pray, Love

i am at a loss, I have finally managed to push E away for good. He dumped me less than 48 hours ago and for some reason as much as I felt agony that day I have this waning sense of peace.

I entitle this posting 'Eat, Pray, Love' in celebration of not only the movie based on such an inspiring journal but perhaps a reawakening of myself, a journey into the unknown.

I thought losing E would be the end of me and perhaps it is an ending to the me I was so scared of losing; the timid girl who wanted nothing more than this man to give her life she was unable to find anywhere else. In the end E let me lose twenty fucking months I cannot get back.

Today my life starts over, today I need to make resolutions I am determined to keep, today I want to reestablish an entity of myself and who I am and what I need to keep healthy relationships and friendships..especially friendships.

I need to empower my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual sides and get myself on the right track of my financial instabilities.

I CAN do this but first I need to let go of the idea that I can't.

letters

Dear A,

You rub it in my face, your envy, with pictures

You love to put salt on the wounds

Your desperate for attention, his attention

And your fake smiles to my face

Deceive everyone but me

You think you know him better

You think you understand what he needs

You want his comfort, his warmth, his admiration

Fuck you bitch is all I have to say

Get your own man, cause it's about time you grew up

You want his friendship, I get that

You want someone to rely on, I can handle that

But what you don't understand

Is that I don't share well

And I want a man who's heart is with one woman

Not confused by two

I'd give anything for him

Could you say the same thing?

The reality of this episode

Is that the drama queen will get her crown

And with clever conviction

Will also receive her prince

,,,,,,,but not without a fight

And unless your willing to shed some blood for him

Back out gracefully.

The Subconscious Demon

There is that little demon in all of us that wishes to creep out at our most vulnerable moments; it secrets through our pores, pushes out with our breath and channels itself onto the thing we most desire right at that moment. The motive to be bad, the subconscious telling us to push away our moral fibers and secretly do something that feeds the demon. Two things my subconscious demon preys on : my inability to trust and my inability to have self control. Two ways I feed this demon: I justify any act of my boyfriends social life as either a threat or a means to humiliate me thus holding myself back from him and searching through his open files to find any means of satisfying my distrust. The second is luring myself into vulnerable situations that make me feel powerful and sexy and to justify just how much I feel hurt and abandoned by the one man I truly love...

Another case of the demon effect is the inability to accept positive communication when I suddenly receive it. E has been more that giving of his affections but in some instance it is a bit out of character for him and I feel the tug of insecurity and mistrust that pulls my mind into a whirlwind of assumptions. Have you ever overcompensated your love when you have been a naughty girl/guy? It's classic compensation of guilt behavior but I sit here wondering if that is really the case or I'm finally getting the affection I have wanted all this time from him?

The demon in me fires shots in all directions but one, I need to reassure myself for once that his intentions are truly honorable.

Venus of Ostrava

~Taken from the movie 'The End of the Affair'-"I've only made two promises in my life. One was to marry Henry, the other is to stop seeing you. And I'm too weak to keep either."

The most important man to come into my life and I tried to say goodbye, he is in another country what else could I possibly do? I had to break off this affair for both our sakes. This is what he wrote in return:

With sadness I read your words. I blame myself for brief silence and no communication. I was busy teaching focusing on energy in the studio and my new life in new city. the Venus of Ostrava is a reflection of my happiness a dream of purity of female form. There is no one in my life as I can not be anyone. My heart is aching from a break up with C and it is not ready to love fully again. Indeed including you. I can not love you fully YET. I thought that my trip is about to heal my heart so I could come back and love You fully. Our relationship started while we both were attached. You have changed my relationship with C.Please understand how challenging it is for me to allow myself to fall fully in love with you. We did not have time to get to know each other and be freely together. Still I can say "We can make it". I want you and I want to be with you.

love F

...it doesn't matter that he is in Czech right now and exploring life the way he wants to...the distance does not faze me, in fact, it encourages me to find a sense of myself, to become something I have let go of, finally gain some stability and organization to my life. It doesn't mean I don't miss F like crazy, it just means he can lay me in a bed of contentment when we find each other again.

Such a man can and has done wonders on my very soul. I love you with all my heart F.

~Written the same day as the excerpt below, just a few hours later, before you walked back into my life~
Yoga Girl-it's been a wacky year since I first got involved with yoga. Never would I have imagined that the idea of hot yoga would ultimately become a new passion and a new way of looking at myself. Unfortunately, the more involved I become, the more I push away other aspects of my life...and embrace other opportunities of happiness.
E has become a back burner and through so much frustration and confusion and mess, we have split up...
If I would have known what I know now about why he had temporarily split with me back in June, there is no question I would have never have forgiven him and I could be in a different place in my life right now. Just to catch you up to speed, he had sexual relations with one of MY friends because she mislead him into thinking I was betraying him, in other words, she was a jealous bitch, reminding me of a single white female syndrome.
Anyway, my heart is still bitter because of it; life has a funny way of opening up your heart and a way of shutting it off from the world. How dubious one can be to let your heart fall for just one person...but yet I do feel like I belong to just one man..I wonder if we can get back what we lost...
I'm going back to Seattle soon to take an infamous G class and have some fun, enjoy a relaxing weekend holiday with a fun road trip along the way.
Doors are opened and my mind feels exposed to so many people that come in and out, with some of these folks it feels like a swinging door and with others it's a door that refuses to close, and through it, it hard to predict who will stick around and who won't.
_________________________________________________________
.....Update: E and I managed to get back together by December, our hearts were just too strong to stay away from one another, I never went to Seattle and I permanently cut ties with G for I realized we were either never on the same wavelength or that tide had passed (or door, however you want to interpret it).. and shortly after I wrote that last line as I was sitting at a local juice bar waiting for my yoga class to begin, I saw his red and white runners from the corner of my eye walking towards the entrance of the shop...F. My heart was still feeling the sting of what it felt like to be some one's mistress but he acted like we hadn't skipped a beat and so instead of feeling begrudged, I embraced him.
From that point on I could not keep my mind off of him; his smile, his voice, his hands holding me tenderly, the way he rumbled his mouth, shrugged his shoulders and said 'I don't know sweetie' when I asked how he was doing, his lips on mine, his tongue searching my mouth for pleasure, when he laughed at the most unexpected times, sometimes I wonder though if he was laughing at me or just briefly happy.