I had a dream that broke me from a reality that I found to be unbearable. I was wearing a white silken wrap with a shawl wrapped around my neck. I could see the morning sun rising peaking into the room where I lay. I looked above me to see at least twenty more feet of ceiling with a simple fan circulating the humid air surrounding me. I looked over to where the window should be and see an archway made of stone. As my eyes adjust to the sunlight beginning to fill the room I gaze around to see that the room is in fact much larger than I first observed and two more archways for windows appearing parallel to the former one on my side of the bed. I looked down towards my feet to feel the soft Egyptian cotton sheets caress my legs and my body begins to feel quite relaxed and somewhat tired again. I rest my head back on the pillow and suddenly I feel a presence I never even noticed before beside me. I look over to see a dark skinned man laying within the sheets with a soft smile spread across his lips. As he layed upon his side I could see the muscle tone within his arms and the dark hair protruding from his chest. I slowly lift the sheets with a bit of a struggle to see just how lucky I got and as my eyes travel from his chest down to his treasure trail and even further to his pubic area, I cover my mouth with my left hand to stop from gasping. As I cover him back up I notice that he is beginning to stir so I ever so carefully sit up and swing my legs over the bed onto the smooth wooden floor. I am overcome now with confusion and wonder but am distracted by the noises coming from outside. I stand up and slowly walk in the sunlight blazing on the floor and as I come closer and closer to the windowless archway, I see below me a market place filled with people coming and going. As they bustle from one stand to another, I notice that they are covered up with shawls and long dresses and from this picture I realize that this was not home to say the least. Before I could even speak, I hear soft footsteps coming up from behind me and as the presence gets closer I feel warm hands caress my neck. I asked as even toned as I could where I was, as I began to shake with the feel of his skin on mine. He hesitated for a moment and I felt warm lips kiss the nape of my neck. He then preceded to slide his hands around my waist and before I could hesitate he said with a deep soft spoken voice "What a beautiful morning, we should go into the city. I have a surprise waiting for you." I closed my eyes believing this was all a fantasy and when I opened them I piered out through the market place and saw something that brought me pleasure and fear all at once; I saw miles and miles of desert.
He noticed my gaze and pointed towards it and said with utter contentment "This is our home, the way you wanted it".
I turned around and I looked up into his deep brown eyes to find myself completely entranced. He brought his hands up to the tie on my wrap and with one aggressive tug he had untied my wrap and left it to fall gracefully on the floor in front of us. With my eyes still on his, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled myself closer so our lips could not just touch but embrace the heat that came over me. Without another moments hesitation, I kissed him hard and felt his soft tongue play with my lips, as if to ask permission to enter. I moaned and opened my mouth just enough to let our tongues meet with soft certainty. I could feel the heat from his chest against mine and my nipples slowly hardening while his hands grabbed on to my hips and ass firmly. Before I could make another move he hoisted me onto his throbbing member and I cried out in delight as he entered me so smoothly, so perfectly, as if he had done this a hundred times before. With all his strength he carried me over to the bed not even skipping the rhythm we had going and layed me down gently and continued to penetrate me. I moaned even louder and begged him to go deeper and with one stroke he was all in me and I cried out as his thrusts continued deeper and deeper. As he proceeded closer to climaxing he held me tighter and tighter in his arms and with one final stroke we both moaned as he filled me with the most intense passion I had ever felt from a man. As he began to come down from his climax, he rested his head on my chest and told me he loved feeling my heartbeat afterwards.I don’t know if it was because of the shock from this incredible man’s touch that awakened my system or the feel of him still inside me or even the humidity that began to creep up along our sweat induced skin, but I began to feel tears streaming in my eyes and creep down my cheeks as I smiled at him. Looking into his eyes I began to be flooded with memories that hit me so hard in a side sweep as if I was recovering from temporary amnesia. I stroked his face softly and begin to say something..................
......................I wake up.

Why is it that every time I want to be near you
Something always gets in the way
Why is it that every time I want to hear your voice
Someone speaks to tune you out
Your careless motion of genuine smiling
Always provokes a tingle of surreal assurance
That if I take a step ever so closely to you
I might just get the chance to be with you.
Could it really be that simple
Or am I just a vulnerable woman
To your every endeavour?
How is it in the slight moment of an exhilarating connection
We are disturbed by the elder peace
Maybe I mistake your kindness for being polite
Or maybe you mistake me for just another woman
Either way I mourn for you as if you were gone
And I count the days until I can have the courage to see you again
But until my surge of cowardliness fades into the cerebral indefiance
I wait so patiently for you to take the first step
In acknowledging that I am yours and willingly,
You are mine.

I met him one day, as it turns out the beginning of the year, and until that day I was indescribably lost. I was lost within my role in life, my purpose and the unfortunate desire to just throw in the towel seemed to enter my mind all too often. I was with a fiancé that had every intention of making me happy and loving me until the end, but he was too emotionally out of anyone’s range in helping him. I had to live at home because I could not afford to live either with my fiancé or by myself and I was stuck at a dead end job like the many before it and my life was emotionally spinning out of control. My friends were moving on with their lives and I felt like the outsider within all aspects of my life and that I was about to drown in my own conceptual sorrow until....
Until I noticed his eyes, until I saw that pure, genuine smile that spread across his face and in that one moment all I wanted to do was have him take me away to be someone new, someone that could begin a new life, in a new town, in a new year.
This was written approximately three years ago, and about a month later, after Valentines Day, I did, in fact split with my fiance. And this was the beginning of my dating life, at least it felt like a renewal of my love life and my love for life. I began to see clearly for the first time in ages that I wanted more, I craved more in this life than I could ever have anticipated. I still had to live at home until I could recuperate myself financially and that has seemed to be a never ending tale all on it's own but I then took my life into my hands. Things that I had put on the back burner for years including writing and other hobbies were finally at my fingertips again. The person that needed to be unleashed was afraid of what might happen if I put my hopes into too many things, including love, but at the same time, I felt like a tiger waiting to pounce, lol, but it took still a few more months for this kitty to put herself out there in the dating scene. The worse aspect of this fear was that I had no idea where to start, how to go about any of it. I forgot even the basics of dating 101 and trying to figure myself out in the process and let others and myself know who I am is still a struggle even to this day.

Have you ever had the uncertainty that creeps along your neck and down your spine. The uncertainty of being whole, of being whole without someone else? I hate that feeling and the only time I get that uncertainty and assurance of myself is when I’m waiting for that damn phone to ring or the door to knock. The moments seem like eternity when you place yourself entirely in the hands of someone else. That vulnerability that sets you up for ultimate failure. The feelings of uncertainty creep in and suddenly the untimely ring erupts the silence, however, it is not the ring of opportunity, of neediness, of long awaited completeness, and you realize that he is clearly avoiding you for the sole purpose of keeping the anticipation high. But the spectacle of wonder still lingers of not knowing if he is waiting for a peak climax or if he is really at the demise of this story.The depression of knowing that the uncertainty is the only thing that will keep you company tonight rides high along your emotional state.
The only person I wish to seek is not in that phone call, however, but within a distance of two hundred feet from my front door. Everyday I ponder the idea of what my life would be like if I had just enough nerve to walk those two hundred feet and tell him how I feel, to tell him that there is no one else I’d rather see, no where else I’d rather be than in this very spot showing him how much I crave his touch, how I crave his soothing voice and genuine smile, and the very thought of him makes my aching heart beat with anticipation for his next words. If I could plainly tell him that I love him would that have any effect on my life, on my existence but the dread does not come from what I would say to him, the dread and fear comes from what he would say.

If only I could love the way others do
What if I’m not capable of intimacy
I’ll only stay lonely and depressed
Anticipating the door to open
For love to break the chains
Of Hopelessness, of selfishness, of time
Maybe I’m too inclined to think
That love should be a fairytale
The kind that opens hearts and minds
That lifts spirits and creates hope
I may see an opportunity
I hope it does not pass me by
Because I feel the end is too close
For me to breath in your air
To move at the sight of your face
Please tell me what I’m missing
Please show me how to feel
So I can be everything
I need to be
To love.

Here I am at my darkest moment and all I can sense throughout my entire body is the heavy zombie like motion of dread, fear and utter depression. I don't feel useful enough to exist, how did I manage to get to this point again, how did I manage to fail when I though t I had a fool proof solution, a plan if you will. Now the fear overwhelms me and I dread the idea that I may only have a days, maybe weeks until i’m non-existent. How? The energy, the motivation to exist is gone and if i’m lucky, it will be quick and painless. How else would you want it if your life has been slow and agonizing. I feel like a used up whore, one who has no glow to her face, only a witherd body that lies lifeless as someone else releases their emotions in her. I have succumbed to letting others release their frustrations, their feelings of control, anger, guilt, denial and urge. I am invisible, especially to the one who could make this all go away.
Who? The man I can not let go of in my mind and my heart, one who has barely spoken to me yet I would let him take me away to a far land and wrap his arms around me, promising never to let go. Whenever I feel this empty, he is the sun that lets some warmth enter my body. I wish he could hear my voice crying out for him at night but all I can hear is the train that lays me down peacefully and I lay silently, whimpering and praying that one day he will know how I feel.
His eyes burn into me with such honesty and innocence that he could love me without judgement, without feelings of sympathy or empathy, just to tell me he loves me and that we could be free together, would he love me that much?
I love the way his lips curve to reveal a subtle smile and his laugh boars into my soul to release pain. His soft spoken voice lets me know his calm and alluring tone is set to sedate me and entrance such sad useless woman. How many ways can I claim that he is the one I see forever in my mind and in my heart, I am at his service, I would do whatever it took to be his queen, his partner, his friend and his lover. I will pray every night until the day comes that I can be his and I will whisper his name so softly that only the heavens will hear "his name".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If only I could wake up and know that there are opportunities arising every moment for me
What if all the signs I have lead directly to him?
Will I take it? Will I accept the utmost rejection that I am sure to face?
Or will love finally conquer all?
His eyes lead me in a deep dark haze that suppresses every field of imagination I had before
He is like a dream of what my life is supposed to be
So Why am I hesitant?
The only part of his touch that I've embraced are his fingers and even the slightest warmth
Has held my mind in disarray and my breath chilled as I exhale
May be the only parts of him he will ever let me have
Love is about obsession, infatuation and embracing the few moments each person takes the time to enjoy- so where do I stand and when and how will I have this opportunity to be with him....

Wow, I cant believe its been since July that I last posted, I decided this time to cut and paste a few "articles" that I have written over the past days, weeks and yes, even years. Perhaps this is the way I will do it for awhile or maybe Ill get myself on track and finally start writing again. I had an entire plan set out for this blog, however, I feel that sometimes a plan is not necessarily going to give you the results you desire but that may not necessarily be a bad thing in the long run. Yes, I believe change is overdue and I hope to continue this with perhaps some feedback from people. Enjoy!

Memoirs of a Twisted Love Affair

"Let Me Love You" by Mario I replay the smooth melody as I lay down on my bed, its a tranquil beat that flows through my body, reminding me of the times I lay on your bed, my head on your chest after we make love, I feel the sweat that trickles off your chest and stomach, the glistening of it tempts me to run my fingertips gently across your stomach and chest as I watch your chest rise and fall. We both lie there in an utter attempt to relax and soak in the peacefulness of the moment, the song comes to an end and I look up at you with a small smile stretching across my face. Our eyes lock and I whisper to you that I like that song, that it reminds me of our tempo, our rhythm, our ability to create friction and releasement in the only way we know how to together. Your arm tightens around me as you hold me closer and give me that sly grin and small chuckle, never really letting me know whats going on in that mind of yours, but I have a feeling, in some way of yours, you agree with me.
Now all I have is the coldness of the memories, the song ends and I realize how much I miss those arms holding my bare skin and your lips that gave me this electrifying energy when we kissed. It seems like a lifetime ago when I was able to render myself to you in complete trust and complete love, not realizing that this vulnerability was really going to leave me with nothing to hold onto.
I remember leaving your place, not knowing what lay ahead, with tears in my eyes for the first hour, I still wonder I managed to even drive home, especially in the dark when the last thing I had on my mind was the concentration I needed to stay focused on the road.