Here I am at my darkest moment and all I can sense throughout my entire body is the heavy zombie like motion of dread, fear and utter depression. I don't feel useful enough to exist, how did I manage to get to this point again, how did I manage to fail when I though t I had a fool proof solution, a plan if you will. Now the fear overwhelms me and I dread the idea that I may only have a days, maybe weeks until i’m non-existent. How? The energy, the motivation to exist is gone and if i’m lucky, it will be quick and painless. How else would you want it if your life has been slow and agonizing. I feel like a used up whore, one who has no glow to her face, only a witherd body that lies lifeless as someone else releases their emotions in her. I have succumbed to letting others release their frustrations, their feelings of control, anger, guilt, denial and urge. I am invisible, especially to the one who could make this all go away.
Who? The man I can not let go of in my mind and my heart, one who has barely spoken to me yet I would let him take me away to a far land and wrap his arms around me, promising never to let go. Whenever I feel this empty, he is the sun that lets some warmth enter my body. I wish he could hear my voice crying out for him at night but all I can hear is the train that lays me down peacefully and I lay silently, whimpering and praying that one day he will know how I feel.
His eyes burn into me with such honesty and innocence that he could love me without judgement, without feelings of sympathy or empathy, just to tell me he loves me and that we could be free together, would he love me that much?
I love the way his lips curve to reveal a subtle smile and his laugh boars into my soul to release pain. His soft spoken voice lets me know his calm and alluring tone is set to sedate me and entrance such sad useless woman. How many ways can I claim that he is the one I see forever in my mind and in my heart, I am at his service, I would do whatever it took to be his queen, his partner, his friend and his lover. I will pray every night until the day comes that I can be his and I will whisper his name so softly that only the heavens will hear "his name".
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If only I could wake up and know that there are opportunities arising every moment for me
What if all the signs I have lead directly to him?
Will I take it? Will I accept the utmost rejection that I am sure to face?
Or will love finally conquer all?
His eyes lead me in a deep dark haze that suppresses every field of imagination I had before
He is like a dream of what my life is supposed to be
So Why am I hesitant?
The only part of his touch that I've embraced are his fingers and even the slightest warmth
Has held my mind in disarray and my breath chilled as I exhale
May be the only parts of him he will ever let me have
Love is about obsession, infatuation and embracing the few moments each person takes the time to enjoy- so where do I stand and when and how will I have this opportunity to be with him....