Well, Valentines Day came and went but not without some surprises. I would have logged in sooner however, I am finally recuperating from an awful illness that hit me like a ton of bricks shortly before V-day. As I look back at my last posting I have to laugh at what I wrote about the atypical giving and recieving aspect of Valentines Day; E ended up giving me flowers and chocolates and I ended up giving him clothes and chocolate. I thought I could get away from the stereotypical gifts but apparently not lol. However, because E and I were quite ill that night, we managed to see eachother for only a couple hours and ever since then, our relationship seems to be on quite a hiatus. Remember what I mentioned about relationships based on texting? The last time E and I saw eachother was V-day and when I tried to talk to him over the phone he acted rudely (mind you I was upset at him and acting rather bitchy) and those five minutes (give or take) are the only means of verbal communication we have had with one another in the past two weeks. Texting is what we have resorted to and now I really wonder if we are going to make it even another week...

One idea I would like to bring to the attention of men is the fascinating ritual of showering a women with affection and attention the first few weeks and month of dating and then they feel like they have done their duty and laze out altogether. It's as if they feel they don't have to win her approval and the courting has ended. It appears to me that they have given me a false interpretation of who they are and they no longer have to show me any courtesy and affection. Now, I am in no way a high maintenance girl but I do have a few demands that I feel are reasonable and they are the following:

* show a girl the courtesy of a phone call, texting is rude and should not be the only means of communication- I can't stress that enough!

* do NOT say you love me if you really don't mean it and if your only saying it because I treat you well, it should mean that you love ME and if you don't know anything about me, how can you feel that affection?

* do NOT say you love me in order to get sex, do NOT kiss up to me, it's like begging, only dogs should beg.

* I do not enjoy clingyness nor am I one to "check up on you", but I do want to know that you want to spend time with me and that I can trust you, I want to feel special just like you do.

* No, messenger and FB are not a means of communication, it's just like texting.

* I recipocate love if I receive love, I recipocate hurt if I receive hurt, in otherwords, I will be a bitch if I feel disrespected.

Well, enough of that!

I've been receiving some much flattering attention from G in the past month, I know that his attention can't be used for anything real but the fantasy of it drives me wild some nights. There are times when I am so tempted to just drive down to see him, I feel like he would be my remedy, that if I disappeared for a few days and spend it with G I could look at life differently, maybe appreciate E more, I don't know, but I feel this longing again for G and that may not be a good sign. Everything seems to remind me of him, like I'm receiving signs and symbolism from television to conversations to even the mountaintops of Mt. Baker that peers through my car window at unexpected times. I feel this intuition, this knowing feeling that creeps up on me and I don't know what to do but lately it sure is telling me that I need a change.

February Air

Ah...February, the month of love...oh how I'm cringing at the thought of what next weekend will bring. Since I last updated my love life, E and I have had a bit of conflict but on the flip side, he has also told me he loves me. Not sure if that's too soon or not, in fact to be quite honest, I went into this relationship thinking I knew a thing or two and low and behold, I feel more confused than ever. There should seriously be a dating manual because I'm lost as to what to do when it comes to making up, fighting "constructively" and understanding how much time should you put into a relationship. Up to this moment, E and I are not exactly talking to one another, we are texting.

I'm going to detour for a moment and share my thoughts on text communication as well as email communication. ITS NOT A RELATIONSHIP WHEN THERE IS ONLY TEXT AND EMAIL COMMUNICATION. Things get reworded and assumptions are made as to what the other person is really trying to say. That is how fights start and what I find over and over with men is they would rather text you their feelings than say it in person. Oh yeah, how romantic that is to read that someone loves you rather than hearing it and seeing them say it in person, right? Men consider it a form of efficiency, I find it to be a form of disrespect and being a "pussy". As well, there are some who go as far as to break up with you the same way; just imagine you wake up one morning, turn on your PC go to your hotmail or FB and read that you are officially single once again due to the magic of computer technology. It just seems morally unethical that men try to bail out in the easiest possible way. Even better, you go on FB and now all your two hundred and something friends know that you have been dumped and the sympathetic wall postings are starting to come in. If a person does not have enough integrity to have or end a relationship in person, then they have no business being out in the dating world...or they are married lol.

Anyways, as I was saying, E and I are having some frustrations due to the fact that I am feeling very unsure about him and how much I actually trust him. For the first time on Friday, he actually bailed on seeing me and I was pretty hurt. Now, we have this tension between us and my intuitive feelings are making me paranoid as well as neglected. I don't need to be reassured every minute about where we stand, but if something upsets me and a man brushes it off like it's no big deal I start to question if I was overreacting or if he really just doesn't care anymore. Well, for today I'm ignoring him, if he bothers to communicate....unless he calls....:) If he texts, he can go f*#k himself!

As for Valentine's Day, the intolerable commercially marketed day that forces people to reconnect with one another. One thing I can't understand is that so many couple fall for the commercial hype; they go out to eat even though they won't be able to hear each other because the restaurant is packed with endless amounts of other couples bickering. They go to a chick flick or a horror movie so they don't have to talk to one another after the silence at the dinner table and then they go home to have sex. He buys her flowers and/or chocolate, tells her she's beautiful; she buys him either electronic or clothes and tells him she loves him and they are basked away in the heat of the moment. Now, don't misinterpret me, I value the concept and the meaning of Valentine's Day, I just don't appreciate how there is only one day to share love and the meaningless ways people share that day. I would rather stay in, cook him a meal or cook together, share dessert, have a drink, rent a movie and have sex all over the house. Or if you do go out, plan something that involves privacy and a hobby that both of you enjoy together.

Ok, enough of that, I suppose in less than a week I'll know what my Valentine will do for me (or won't do for me). I'm now signing out and going to enjoy the day at a friend's place where I can escape my four walls and stop looking at my phone to ring. oh yeah, and get extremely high..hey what can I say? Maryjane makes it all go away.....