"I hold you up on a pedestal and still you classify me as your pawn. You should be careful for the pawn is the one who holds you up and can make you fall"I can't believe my last blog was in July, the entire summer I went without saying a word and I have had so much to say. Well I suppose I will start with the fact that E and I are still together but holding on by a very thin thread. Have you ever had weeks where you go to work, you come home and you are completely and utterly enthralled with your online life? In fact, I would call it 'obsessed', yes, that is the word- and with "convienient" sites such as Facebook, myspace, the obnoxious messenger and other such sites you get to view the lives of those around you on a minute to minute basis. Sadly, I have joined those obsessives in the hopes to find something out about E, the things he is up to whenever he is not around me, which lately or should I say for a few months now has been very illfrequent. The saddest aspect of it all is that he is not really doing anything other than going to work, sleeping and occassionally errands and spending time with friends. But yet the more I hovered my face over the screen to my pc, the more paranoid I became when I didn't see him or hear from him and it gave way to a whole new monster I was becoming. And as of last Friday, it all came tumbling down on me and when I asked him if he still wanted to be with me he replied with " I don't know". This turbulent turn of events has made me even more depressed than the first time he tried to end things with me. Oops, not sure if I mentioned that already but in June E did infact end things for about a week until he realized or so he claims, that he missed me and loved me and didn't want things to happen so dramatically. Now this turn of events has left me feeling skeptical at all costs, unwanted, unloved and trying to keep my big mouth as shut as humanly possible.

So, I thought instead of making a wrong thing even worse, I'd put some truth and rightneous in the limelight and so I wrote him what I truely felt and if things do end up going south at least I told him what he needed to know about him and how much I love him:

I have been looking through the friend grids that people send to others and I thought about you and what I would put you under but the thing is I couldnt decide because there are so many titles I could give you:

the first one being smart- one of the first things that attracted me to you was your intellect, your creative, inventive, and no way be taken for a fool.

the second being cute- when I think of you being cute is that smile and laugh you give me when I tickle you.

kindness- you show patience, tolerance, and kindness to the people around you, humanity wouldnt be the same without someone like you.

flirty- you know you are, I know you are around other women but its not the flirtiness, its the confidence that comes to the surface which is so utterly sexy.

Rich- and I mean it in the most important way- the richness of the friends you have in your life.

Friendly, happy and nice all role into one, Im sure everyone can count on you to be that way around them at all times.

Handsome- there is no question about that one, your sexy eyes and mischevious smile are one of the few reasons why Im crazy about you.

serious- you try to put up a front but the truth is when you start talking about serious issues you end up in a joke, that is your way of dealing with things that are too serious and perhaps rightfully so, because life shouldnt be taken so seriously.

Funny- just when I least expect it you come up with something clever and witty that knows exactly how to make me smile. and you dont take yourself so seriously.

Cuddly- the best moments Ive ever had with you is when you take me in your arms and hold me.

I think that pretty much covers the grid area but not you overall. :) I suppose I wrote this because I know things are shaky between us and Im not sure where you really stand with me but I thought you should know regardless that as a person, you are more than you'll ever know. xo

It's not easy to sit here and ask yourself to give up someone who may be miserable with you. There are no words to describe how I feel about E because he truely is the love of my life but if it's really not reciprocated how can I ask him to stay if he really wants out? No matter how selfish I can be sometimes I could never ask him to stay with me for my happiness. Letting go is supposed to be the object of the "game", to let go so they have the chance to come back into your life but sometimes I truely believe that the people we want never do come back and the people you accept in lue of, are the ones knocking on your front door. Life fucking sucks, in otherwords.