April 2008

It's been a couple of weeks since I posted my intro and it seems like this itch I have to scratch, I want to write all my ideas and thoughts and experiences but sometimes I do not have my PC handy and so I write in my journal, or diary. The following I am willing to post from my diary as it gives a general idea into my obsessive and sometimes erratic world of emotional up's and down's. I only started writing in a journal a couple of months ago as I could no longer hold all the emotions I was feeling inside and I was desperate to reveal them, even if it was just a private outlet. Of course, it begins with the most haunting feeling and thought I have and that is the pain of having the ONE get away. Side note: This man I will always only refer to as J, all the other men that I will discuss in further blogs will all have letters for names or in the case where there are men with similar names they will be J1, J2, etc. It may sound complicated but I assure my readers there will be no confusion, all men will have their intricate characteristics to establish their blogger identity. And I should also state that any names discussed have been changed in respect for their privacy. So, without further adieu, here is the beginning of my (hopefully) many segments of truth and enlightenment.

"how can one person exasperate your soul without any care or concern? But, what if he does care?..what if he is in the same constant pain, the same confusion? What if he proceeds through the same routines day in and day out without much thought about the present, just wander aimlessly through life wondering if we will or could ever be together again?
The truth is, I'm probably never on his mind, this fantasy that I could ever have meant as much to him as he meant to me is ludicrous.
I'm the one that can't let go.
My eyes are sore from the tears that I shed as I write this and every night when I go to sleep. All I can feel is the space between us, the cold sheets as they wrap around my body with no warmth, no human touch, just one body to fill the bed, one face to cover the pillow.
I heard a song the other day about a woman who refuses to listen to those who keep her from feeling the hardships of love that she felt/feels for a man. This man obviously hurt her and she feels "cut open" by his wounds and now she bleeds his love. My wounds are still in every tear, in every frown, every smile, every breath, every move, and every beat of my heart.
I was once told that it takes half the time of the full relationship to let someone go and I laugh at that remark because they obviously were never in love. I finally spoke to Christina today and it is obvious she still has feelings for him, I knew it the moment we communicated. My first initial intuition was true, she helped tear us apart. Maybe it doesn't matter anymore, maybe I should say goodbye and give on the only thing I have ever felt true, pure emotion for. Will I ever see him again? Only time will tell. Patience, as they say, is a virtue."

Pretty depressing stuff, isn't it? Let me back track a little so it makes more sense. I met him a year after I decided I had enough with my fiance (yes, that story will come later). Up until that time, I had never so much as felt a strong connection to any man, not even my fiance. This connection I can only describe as spiritual, it was an energy that was so strong that it was a force of nature for us to come together. Yes, we had met online so the initial connection was never made until I met him face to face for the first time but for me, that's all it took. One moment. He was late for our first meeting and one of my strong pet peeves is punctuality (or lack thereof) and as I was waiting my head began to fume since our meeting was far out of my area range and I figured everything would be a disaster waiting to happen anyway. I told myself I would give him five more minutes and if he did not walk through that door....and then it happend. My mind went completely blank, my heart felt like it stopped and dropped to the ground. You know how you see those scenes in movies where everything slows down so the camera can show you intricate detail of the scene, where time seems to pass in hours rather than seconds? As he opened the glass doors of the building and walked towards me, I think I blushed so hard that I was going to drop to my knees in embarrassment. His smile was nothing I had ever seen, so rich and inviting and yet so calm and charismatic that I would have given anything to touch those lips. His eyes were so intense that I felt intimidated just gazing into them as if he I looked too long into them, he could read into my very soul.
He apologized for his tardiness and since I felt the need to hold up some sort of defense mechanism and look like I would never put up with such disrespectful behavior, I pursed my lips as hard as I could and coldly replied "I was about to walk out but now that your here I suppose we still have time for a date". God, what a bloody idiot! The rest of the evening went quite well; we grabbed a hot drink and talked for awhile and went to watch a movie. However, as we were relaxing and enjoying the suspenseful film, I felt a hand slide it's way towards my legs and it actually startled me. I pretended not to notice, coyly, when I felt his fingers slide to the outside of my jeans towards my crotch. Now, I'm not one to mind a sly feel of me, but he had no intention of reaching over and maybe caressing my face and kissing me. That turned me off so I took his hand and placed it back on his leg and resumed watching my movie.