Venus of Ostrava

~Taken from the movie 'The End of the Affair'-"I've only made two promises in my life. One was to marry Henry, the other is to stop seeing you. And I'm too weak to keep either."

The most important man to come into my life and I tried to say goodbye, he is in another country what else could I possibly do? I had to break off this affair for both our sakes. This is what he wrote in return:

With sadness I read your words. I blame myself for brief silence and no communication. I was busy teaching focusing on energy in the studio and my new life in new city. the Venus of Ostrava is a reflection of my happiness a dream of purity of female form. There is no one in my life as I can not be anyone. My heart is aching from a break up with C and it is not ready to love fully again. Indeed including you. I can not love you fully YET. I thought that my trip is about to heal my heart so I could come back and love You fully. Our relationship started while we both were attached. You have changed my relationship with C.Please understand how challenging it is for me to allow myself to fall fully in love with you. We did not have time to get to know each other and be freely together. Still I can say "We can make it". I want you and I want to be with you.

love F

...it doesn't matter that he is in Czech right now and exploring life the way he wants to...the distance does not faze me, in fact, it encourages me to find a sense of myself, to become something I have let go of, finally gain some stability and organization to my life. It doesn't mean I don't miss F like crazy, it just means he can lay me in a bed of contentment when we find each other again.

Such a man can and has done wonders on my very soul. I love you with all my heart F.

~Written the same day as the excerpt below, just a few hours later, before you walked back into my life~
Yoga Girl-it's been a wacky year since I first got involved with yoga. Never would I have imagined that the idea of hot yoga would ultimately become a new passion and a new way of looking at myself. Unfortunately, the more involved I become, the more I push away other aspects of my life...and embrace other opportunities of happiness.
E has become a back burner and through so much frustration and confusion and mess, we have split up...
If I would have known what I know now about why he had temporarily split with me back in June, there is no question I would have never have forgiven him and I could be in a different place in my life right now. Just to catch you up to speed, he had sexual relations with one of MY friends because she mislead him into thinking I was betraying him, in other words, she was a jealous bitch, reminding me of a single white female syndrome.
Anyway, my heart is still bitter because of it; life has a funny way of opening up your heart and a way of shutting it off from the world. How dubious one can be to let your heart fall for just one person...but yet I do feel like I belong to just one man..I wonder if we can get back what we lost...
I'm going back to Seattle soon to take an infamous G class and have some fun, enjoy a relaxing weekend holiday with a fun road trip along the way.
Doors are opened and my mind feels exposed to so many people that come in and out, with some of these folks it feels like a swinging door and with others it's a door that refuses to close, and through it, it hard to predict who will stick around and who won't.
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.....Update: E and I managed to get back together by December, our hearts were just too strong to stay away from one another, I never went to Seattle and I permanently cut ties with G for I realized we were either never on the same wavelength or that tide had passed (or door, however you want to interpret it).. and shortly after I wrote that last line as I was sitting at a local juice bar waiting for my yoga class to begin, I saw his red and white runners from the corner of my eye walking towards the entrance of the shop...F. My heart was still feeling the sting of what it felt like to be some one's mistress but he acted like we hadn't skipped a beat and so instead of feeling begrudged, I embraced him.
From that point on I could not keep my mind off of him; his smile, his voice, his hands holding me tenderly, the way he rumbled his mouth, shrugged his shoulders and said 'I don't know sweetie' when I asked how he was doing, his lips on mine, his tongue searching my mouth for pleasure, when he laughed at the most unexpected times, sometimes I wonder though if he was laughing at me or just briefly happy.

For F

The first smile I saw was one of melancholic tone, you never really made me understand your true sorrow but I knew something or someone had torn a piece of you away. Tears stream my face knowing I may never get the chance to embrace such neediness from that melancholic smile again. My heart stopped briefly when you text me or phoned me, I felt young again, I felt like this affair was my resurrection. Your lips and tongue searching my mouth for that passion that stirred within us as you embraced me like no other could. I could not feel more alive than when your arms held me so close as you flooded me with your love, your moans of passion were so sincere and real that dreams couldn't be this overwhelming. Your eyes, oh how your eyes entranced my very soul that if I could have had the courage to tell you right then how I felt maybe you'd still be here holding me in the coldness of the day.

I should have told you that I loved you F, at that very moment I would have given everything to be with you.

I saw her at the event, her row right in front of mine, embracing the love of her family around her and her appreciation seeing you on stage. She loves you and right then I knew I never had a chance, I never had the right, to flood my emotions when I needed love the most, and have her suspicious or maybe even hurt. At that moment I felt so alone and I felt ashamed, but I couldn't fathom the idea of taking back how blissful you made me feel for a brief time, how you made me smile and glow. I am forever changed by you and forever grateful for your love, as short as our journey was together, I believe in my heart we may walk down a similar path together in another life. For there is no question that we walk down a parallel universe, just happened to be at different times.

"I hold you up on a pedestal and still you classify me as your pawn. You should be careful for the pawn is the one who holds you up and can make you fall"I can't believe my last blog was in July, the entire summer I went without saying a word and I have had so much to say. Well I suppose I will start with the fact that E and I are still together but holding on by a very thin thread. Have you ever had weeks where you go to work, you come home and you are completely and utterly enthralled with your online life? In fact, I would call it 'obsessed', yes, that is the word- and with "convienient" sites such as Facebook, myspace, the obnoxious messenger and other such sites you get to view the lives of those around you on a minute to minute basis. Sadly, I have joined those obsessives in the hopes to find something out about E, the things he is up to whenever he is not around me, which lately or should I say for a few months now has been very illfrequent. The saddest aspect of it all is that he is not really doing anything other than going to work, sleeping and occassionally errands and spending time with friends. But yet the more I hovered my face over the screen to my pc, the more paranoid I became when I didn't see him or hear from him and it gave way to a whole new monster I was becoming. And as of last Friday, it all came tumbling down on me and when I asked him if he still wanted to be with me he replied with " I don't know". This turbulent turn of events has made me even more depressed than the first time he tried to end things with me. Oops, not sure if I mentioned that already but in June E did infact end things for about a week until he realized or so he claims, that he missed me and loved me and didn't want things to happen so dramatically. Now this turn of events has left me feeling skeptical at all costs, unwanted, unloved and trying to keep my big mouth as shut as humanly possible.

So, I thought instead of making a wrong thing even worse, I'd put some truth and rightneous in the limelight and so I wrote him what I truely felt and if things do end up going south at least I told him what he needed to know about him and how much I love him:

I have been looking through the friend grids that people send to others and I thought about you and what I would put you under but the thing is I couldnt decide because there are so many titles I could give you:

the first one being smart- one of the first things that attracted me to you was your intellect, your creative, inventive, and no way be taken for a fool.

the second being cute- when I think of you being cute is that smile and laugh you give me when I tickle you.

kindness- you show patience, tolerance, and kindness to the people around you, humanity wouldnt be the same without someone like you.

flirty- you know you are, I know you are around other women but its not the flirtiness, its the confidence that comes to the surface which is so utterly sexy.

Rich- and I mean it in the most important way- the richness of the friends you have in your life.

Friendly, happy and nice all role into one, Im sure everyone can count on you to be that way around them at all times.

Handsome- there is no question about that one, your sexy eyes and mischevious smile are one of the few reasons why Im crazy about you.

serious- you try to put up a front but the truth is when you start talking about serious issues you end up in a joke, that is your way of dealing with things that are too serious and perhaps rightfully so, because life shouldnt be taken so seriously.

Funny- just when I least expect it you come up with something clever and witty that knows exactly how to make me smile. and you dont take yourself so seriously.

Cuddly- the best moments Ive ever had with you is when you take me in your arms and hold me.

I think that pretty much covers the grid area but not you overall. :) I suppose I wrote this because I know things are shaky between us and Im not sure where you really stand with me but I thought you should know regardless that as a person, you are more than you'll ever know. xo

It's not easy to sit here and ask yourself to give up someone who may be miserable with you. There are no words to describe how I feel about E because he truely is the love of my life but if it's really not reciprocated how can I ask him to stay if he really wants out? No matter how selfish I can be sometimes I could never ask him to stay with me for my happiness. Letting go is supposed to be the object of the "game", to let go so they have the chance to come back into your life but sometimes I truely believe that the people we want never do come back and the people you accept in lue of, are the ones knocking on your front door. Life fucking sucks, in otherwords.

~Taken from March 2008~

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....I have found revelations in my sorrow. One of them is the idea that people will come into your life, for the first or hundredth time, when they are ready. Perhaps F will be the revelations I need. I don't want to get my hopes up because he does seem a little too eager to meet someone he's never spoken to yet, but I can't be a hypocrite, for I want to meet him too.

I want to make a positive change for myself. I just need the strength to do so. I have also made sexual revelations in my need for new experiences. Craving and desires I haven't felt in years or..ever. And this new exploration has brought me back to the passion of writing and through one eye opening book I revealed another revelation; why not have my own blog page? Fuck, how corny is that...here's what I ended it with- My journey began with me, so it should end with me.

I'll try to find something less dramatic from now on in my journal search......

I believe that a new door has opened and for the first time I feel like it's the right thing and it might not have been so easy if I had not decided to give love another chance. This time everything feels so right that I sometimes catch myself smiling when I hear his name or see him texting me:) But the narcisist in me thinks it might be too good to be true and for me, that's usually the case. However, I can't hold back the feelings he gives me; He makes me feel so good about myself, this confidence I feel has got me thinking that I am worthy enough of a good man..and the way he holds me and makes love to me takes my breath away. His name is E. (Taken from Dec/08)

Diary of a 30 day Yoga challenge~



This is what I wrote within my May 2009 challenge in Bikram Yoga (I put more detail in purple):

Instructor-C(Day 1) Love you C! afternoon class - It was great to be back, off for two months couldn't wait to see familiar teachers and students and was secretly hoping F would come back, he was a great motivator for keeping Bikram Yoga in my life.

Instructor-M(Day 2) afternoon class - so interesting to see C's mother teach a class again and this time much more fluid dialogue, she is very soothing but tough, much like C:).

Instructor-M(Day 3) morning class - morning classes are my favorite, they give me so much more energy for the day.

Instructor-M (Day 4) afternoon class - not feeling too well today I'm going to take it easy in class (if that's even possible. when you have M, it's not possible, in fact I don't think Ive gone a day in any class where I have or can take it easy.

Instructor- K(Day 5) night class-very hot but surprisingly comfortable. This would be the first time I meet K, and it's not a positive one, I would soon learn to dislike this woman but feel very good after the class is over and I've released all my pent up hostility lol.

Instructor - E (Day 6) afternoon class- stressed out but very encouraging instructor. E is amazing, she is very soothing but keeps your motivation high.

Instructor - C (Day 7) afternoon class- one week down, I found it went quite fast, feel more energetic. And for the most part, the entire month went a lot faster than I anticipated and I managed to lose two to three pounds.

Instructor - J (Day 8)- afternoon class- went very fast, feel very focused on perfecting poses when I can. J is probably one of the best instructors, she is witty and has given me the best advice in my favorite pose, the standing bow. Plus she helped me breath more naturally, Don't have her too often, which is sad.

Instructor - S (Day 10)- afternoon class- Not going to miss another class again, I could feel it! Yeah I missed Day nine because of things going on between E and myself.

Instructor -K (Day 11)- afternoon class- didn't write anything, guess because it was K's class lol.

Instructor -S and C (Day 9 &12)- Taking two class today, feeling quite calm in the morning class, but died this evening. C was so bent on motivating me that night, but it was too much, didnt want to miss another class again.

Instructor - M (Day 13)- Evening class- quite tired, not sure how this night will pan out.

Instructor - C (Day 14) (Yeah!)-afternoon class- Had some fun company for this class, made it go by quite quickly! OMG, I had the hottest guy beside me and we were cracking jokes the whole class, it was a fun class.

Instructor - J (Day 15) afternoon class - went very well, had lots of energy. Smiles the whole time.

Instructor - X (Day 16) afternoon class- feeling quite tired, wanted to see my baby longer:( I remember that day I saw E at Timmy's and I didn't feel right when I left, like something was missing. And that damn instructor (don't remember her name, that's why there's an X) kept the humidifier on, I actually had to leave the room, first time ever! I came back in as fast as I could but all the students were struggling because the heat was so intense, our skin felt like it was burning.

Instructor- S (Day 17) morning class - (went to see my guy after yoga last night, feeling tired, hope I feel rejuvenated afterwards.

Instructor - D (Day 18) afternoon class - quiet today on Victoria Day, peaceful too. feeling tired and stressed out. I had a short but stressful day at work but was so glad to take D's class, her voice is so soothing and tranquil, I anticipate any class I have with her.

Instructor -J (Day 19) afternoon class - feel tired but energized. hmmm...it seems I feel more energized with afternoon classes.

Instructor - E (Day 20) afternoon class - feel a bit of energy, only ten days left!

Instructor - C (Day 21) morning class - feel motivated, hopefully its a quiet class. C always promises disciplinary action and she gives it lol. Still love her though.

Instructor - M (Day 22) evening class - 2 beers and too much sun, please be gentle on me!! LOL yeah I had a lot of food the day before for dinner, then beers and felt the heat, but the class was still OK, hate to say it but alcohol can sometimes help be more limber in class ( a little, not a lot).

Instructor - D (Day 23) afternoon class- feeling energized, he was an awesome instructor!

Instructor - M (Day 24) morning class - tired...busy day today, hopefully it starts off good!

Instructor - E (Day 25) afternoon class - people are irritable today! want to relieve stress majorly and I get to see my baby tonight!! not much to say about these days, was looking forward to the challenge being over unfortunately, there were many other things I wanted to attend to but the schedule around yoga was stretched and not very flexible.

Instructor - K (Day 26) night class - Was not impressed! She gave me attitude, only five classes left, hopefully I'm not nauseous during class ate less than two hours prior. Oh I was so livid, that cute guy I mentioned in earlier classes, we joked a bit tonight and she was ready to kick both of us out! To this day she is still cold to me, I try to avoid her classes as much as possible.

Instructor - C (Day 27) afternoon class - lots of stress, hopefully its a good class. Lots of stuff was brewing between E and myself, didn't realize it was going to come to a full head in just a matter of days....

Instructor - C (Day 28) afternoon class - SO ANGRY AND STRESSED!!!! C made me go to the front lol, great teacher! E and I got in a huge fight that day plus work, plus family, plus friends=not a happy girl! I also had a panic attack when we reached the floor series. So much pent up frustration.

Instructor - E (Day 29) afternoon class - feeling tired, hopefully my night is better, had a much better night, feeling calm, second to last class, I did it!!

Instructor - D (Day 30) afternoon class - last day...tired! Went to the front of the class, figuring it would be a good one, but he gave me attitude, not a huge fan of D anymore. ~