Why is it that every time I want to be near you
Something always gets in the way
Why is it that every time I want to hear your voice
Someone speaks to tune you out
Your careless motion of genuine smiling
Always provokes a tingle of surreal assurance
That if I take a step ever so closely to you
I might just get the chance to be with you.
Could it really be that simple
Or am I just a vulnerable woman
To your every endeavour?
How is it in the slight moment of an exhilarating connection
We are disturbed by the elder peace
Maybe I mistake your kindness for being polite
Or maybe you mistake me for just another woman
Either way I mourn for you as if you were gone
And I count the days until I can have the courage to see you again
But until my surge of cowardliness fades into the cerebral indefiance
I wait so patiently for you to take the first step
In acknowledging that I am yours and willingly,
You are mine.

I met him one day, as it turns out the beginning of the year, and until that day I was indescribably lost. I was lost within my role in life, my purpose and the unfortunate desire to just throw in the towel seemed to enter my mind all too often. I was with a fiancé that had every intention of making me happy and loving me until the end, but he was too emotionally out of anyone’s range in helping him. I had to live at home because I could not afford to live either with my fiancé or by myself and I was stuck at a dead end job like the many before it and my life was emotionally spinning out of control. My friends were moving on with their lives and I felt like the outsider within all aspects of my life and that I was about to drown in my own conceptual sorrow until....
Until I noticed his eyes, until I saw that pure, genuine smile that spread across his face and in that one moment all I wanted to do was have him take me away to be someone new, someone that could begin a new life, in a new town, in a new year.
This was written approximately three years ago, and about a month later, after Valentines Day, I did, in fact split with my fiance. And this was the beginning of my dating life, at least it felt like a renewal of my love life and my love for life. I began to see clearly for the first time in ages that I wanted more, I craved more in this life than I could ever have anticipated. I still had to live at home until I could recuperate myself financially and that has seemed to be a never ending tale all on it's own but I then took my life into my hands. Things that I had put on the back burner for years including writing and other hobbies were finally at my fingertips again. The person that needed to be unleashed was afraid of what might happen if I put my hopes into too many things, including love, but at the same time, I felt like a tiger waiting to pounce, lol, but it took still a few more months for this kitty to put herself out there in the dating scene. The worse aspect of this fear was that I had no idea where to start, how to go about any of it. I forgot even the basics of dating 101 and trying to figure myself out in the process and let others and myself know who I am is still a struggle even to this day.

Have you ever had the uncertainty that creeps along your neck and down your spine. The uncertainty of being whole, of being whole without someone else? I hate that feeling and the only time I get that uncertainty and assurance of myself is when I’m waiting for that damn phone to ring or the door to knock. The moments seem like eternity when you place yourself entirely in the hands of someone else. That vulnerability that sets you up for ultimate failure. The feelings of uncertainty creep in and suddenly the untimely ring erupts the silence, however, it is not the ring of opportunity, of neediness, of long awaited completeness, and you realize that he is clearly avoiding you for the sole purpose of keeping the anticipation high. But the spectacle of wonder still lingers of not knowing if he is waiting for a peak climax or if he is really at the demise of this story.The depression of knowing that the uncertainty is the only thing that will keep you company tonight rides high along your emotional state.
The only person I wish to seek is not in that phone call, however, but within a distance of two hundred feet from my front door. Everyday I ponder the idea of what my life would be like if I had just enough nerve to walk those two hundred feet and tell him how I feel, to tell him that there is no one else I’d rather see, no where else I’d rather be than in this very spot showing him how much I crave his touch, how I crave his soothing voice and genuine smile, and the very thought of him makes my aching heart beat with anticipation for his next words. If I could plainly tell him that I love him would that have any effect on my life, on my existence but the dread does not come from what I would say to him, the dread and fear comes from what he would say.

If only I could love the way others do
What if I’m not capable of intimacy
I’ll only stay lonely and depressed
Anticipating the door to open
For love to break the chains
Of Hopelessness, of selfishness, of time
Maybe I’m too inclined to think
That love should be a fairytale
The kind that opens hearts and minds
That lifts spirits and creates hope
I may see an opportunity
I hope it does not pass me by
Because I feel the end is too close
For me to breath in your air
To move at the sight of your face
Please tell me what I’m missing
Please show me how to feel
So I can be everything
I need to be
To love.

Here I am at my darkest moment and all I can sense throughout my entire body is the heavy zombie like motion of dread, fear and utter depression. I don't feel useful enough to exist, how did I manage to get to this point again, how did I manage to fail when I though t I had a fool proof solution, a plan if you will. Now the fear overwhelms me and I dread the idea that I may only have a days, maybe weeks until i’m non-existent. How? The energy, the motivation to exist is gone and if i’m lucky, it will be quick and painless. How else would you want it if your life has been slow and agonizing. I feel like a used up whore, one who has no glow to her face, only a witherd body that lies lifeless as someone else releases their emotions in her. I have succumbed to letting others release their frustrations, their feelings of control, anger, guilt, denial and urge. I am invisible, especially to the one who could make this all go away.
Who? The man I can not let go of in my mind and my heart, one who has barely spoken to me yet I would let him take me away to a far land and wrap his arms around me, promising never to let go. Whenever I feel this empty, he is the sun that lets some warmth enter my body. I wish he could hear my voice crying out for him at night but all I can hear is the train that lays me down peacefully and I lay silently, whimpering and praying that one day he will know how I feel.
His eyes burn into me with such honesty and innocence that he could love me without judgement, without feelings of sympathy or empathy, just to tell me he loves me and that we could be free together, would he love me that much?
I love the way his lips curve to reveal a subtle smile and his laugh boars into my soul to release pain. His soft spoken voice lets me know his calm and alluring tone is set to sedate me and entrance such sad useless woman. How many ways can I claim that he is the one I see forever in my mind and in my heart, I am at his service, I would do whatever it took to be his queen, his partner, his friend and his lover. I will pray every night until the day comes that I can be his and I will whisper his name so softly that only the heavens will hear "his name".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If only I could wake up and know that there are opportunities arising every moment for me
What if all the signs I have lead directly to him?
Will I take it? Will I accept the utmost rejection that I am sure to face?
Or will love finally conquer all?
His eyes lead me in a deep dark haze that suppresses every field of imagination I had before
He is like a dream of what my life is supposed to be
So Why am I hesitant?
The only part of his touch that I've embraced are his fingers and even the slightest warmth
Has held my mind in disarray and my breath chilled as I exhale
May be the only parts of him he will ever let me have
Love is about obsession, infatuation and embracing the few moments each person takes the time to enjoy- so where do I stand and when and how will I have this opportunity to be with him....

Memoirs of a Twisted Love Affair

"Let Me Love You" by Mario I replay the smooth melody as I lay down on my bed, its a tranquil beat that flows through my body, reminding me of the times I lay on your bed, my head on your chest after we make love, I feel the sweat that trickles off your chest and stomach, the glistening of it tempts me to run my fingertips gently across your stomach and chest as I watch your chest rise and fall. We both lie there in an utter attempt to relax and soak in the peacefulness of the moment, the song comes to an end and I look up at you with a small smile stretching across my face. Our eyes lock and I whisper to you that I like that song, that it reminds me of our tempo, our rhythm, our ability to create friction and releasement in the only way we know how to together. Your arm tightens around me as you hold me closer and give me that sly grin and small chuckle, never really letting me know whats going on in that mind of yours, but I have a feeling, in some way of yours, you agree with me.
Now all I have is the coldness of the memories, the song ends and I realize how much I miss those arms holding my bare skin and your lips that gave me this electrifying energy when we kissed. It seems like a lifetime ago when I was able to render myself to you in complete trust and complete love, not realizing that this vulnerability was really going to leave me with nothing to hold onto.
I remember leaving your place, not knowing what lay ahead, with tears in my eyes for the first hour, I still wonder I managed to even drive home, especially in the dark when the last thing I had on my mind was the concentration I needed to stay focused on the road.

Yes, as you may have noticed, I have once again, diverted myself from writing here but these past three months have certainly been an eye opener to the feelings I thought I was having for J. As I look back at my last blog and the journals I remember the intense emotions I felt for this man have now diminished by time, new perspectives and well, new men. And, as I look at my blog I think the best way to begin this refreshing renovation on myself is to start from the beginning with men, right from my first boyfriend:
where do I begin...well I was thirteen years old; bright, full of motivation, full of energy, eager to take on the challenges that high school was going to bring. When high school did begin in the fall of '95 I felt like nothing could defeat me: classes were going so smoothly I actually thought the tests and assignments were 'below' my grade level, friends were above and beyond abundant considering the unnecessary moves to different elementary schools within my community made me reconnect with old and dear friends, and my cheerful perspective made me win over new ones. I loved gym class and tried out for various sports and activities outside of school and what made me feel the most at ease was that I was able to succeed in pleasing my parents; my father, in particular. What I did not realize was all this vanity and success was going to really change my perspective on people and what was really going to make me happy (or unhappy) about the real me. As well, by only the second term (there are only three terms in each grade), I had met the man that was going to change..no..how about redefine...the real me.
Adolescents, yes, in all its glory is a time of hormonal change for guys and girls and they do become selfish little beings in that everything in their lives is exaggerated and over dramatized. I believe that all adolescents suffer from their own 'mood disorder' or most of any other disorder you can look up in the newest edition of the DSM (for the rest of my readers that's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders). Depression, of all these disorders can be unleashed in various behaviors such as violence, suicide attempts, bullying, other rebellious behavior, over/under eating, erratic sleeping patterns, promiscuity, drug abuse, etc. Of course, these are extreme behaviors and some adolescents simply want to find a path of their own with new people to help them express themselves including the Gothic/emo scene, lol. I suppose my original point here is that adolescent times are subject to extreme behaviors and thus should either be taken seriously or accepted, depending on the child and their vulnerability or subjectivity to mood disorders.