Light in the Skies

I look out past the window, arching my head up to the skies above and into the darkness that surrounds the vastness of the atmosphere, waiting..waiting for that moment; a moment I am unprepared to face. An anxious endurance for something different to happen, a telephone call, an email, a knock at the door, anything if you will instead of that moment that will sparkle the troposphere in just a few short minutes.

I checked the departure time and now as I sit on my sill watching the world cloud over, waiting listlessly for time to absolve into forever, a cool breeze sweeps over my uncovered arms and I feel a chill rise over my body creeping into my neck and I feel a whole new ending to this chapter. This moment makes it all too real, that inevitability and as I take a deep breath in I look past the trees and buildings that block a part of my visibility of the depths of darkness until I see the first faint glimpse of your light. The plane slowly excels higher into the sky with the sparkle and glitter of something that resembles a kind of firework and I am mesmerized by red and yellow flicker of my world leaving me. I try to catch my breath in the realization that these lights symbolize the idea that you are indeed leaving me forever and tears come in deep sobs, sobs of desperation as the plane begins to fall off in the distance, growing smaller until it is hidden behind an obscure and irritating silhouette of a building. I cry out in the hopes of just one more moment, something to hang onto as I frantically climb out into the chill of the night air onto my roof tiles, holding onto whatever balance i have within these glistened eyes and panicked head.

Just one more moment but it's too late, any angle I dare try to find is useless, your gone. I am now jealous of the night sky that has enveloped you into it's orbit and has taken you away from me in a jet fueled craft that has no desire of giving you a round trip.

I slump my shoulders and trudge myself back to the window sill and know that this moment is now history and somehow my life must return back to some sort of normalcy. The question i beg to differ is how does one's life go back to the way it was when you have been changed in so many ways by someone you don't want to let go of? ( March 2/11)

~~~~

Your in Malta now F alongside the bright lucrid flames of red hair and fair skin that is H. I feel in my heart she will be luring you in with those intense eyes and sly grimace of a smile and with your yearning of lustful naivete you my dear F will accept so modestly the kisses from her lips and the touch of her skin yours as you delight in the indulgence of her making love to you under a crisp clear ocean of bliss. I am now jealous of not just the night sky that throws you to the winds of time but now into the arms of a girl, not yet a woman.

In my jealous midst I laugh at the thought of your inhibitions being led to this woman with physical capacity but a child of mental capacity. (March 27/11)

~~~~

The winds are warmer now this time of year and I do believe because of it change will surely come. One week from now I shall be in the company of this red headed Medusa and I will ache just to be within the nature of her company purely because she was in your capacity.

And with that my dear F, I will say goodbye. Goodbye to you and may you find that contentment you have been yearning for.

I say goodbye to the nights I thought about you, the days I hoped to see you as I walked toward the studio, the times I felt caged and free by your never forgiving need to want something from me and with my naivete i gave to you wholeheartedly, knowing you would never give me what I wanted in return. I say goodbye to the times you opened up so intimately your thoughts, regrets, hopes, ideas, passions, your fiddle that I will imagine you with on a secluded beach, the brief moment that i actually thought i wanted you and the more lucid idea that I in fact had you at one point. Goodbye to my heart pounding, goodbye to your smiles, goodbye to our sarcastic antics, goodbye to the last three years of unrequited love.

You are a star in some far away planet and I think i may now realize that I would rather be on a world I understand than be on a distant world that leaves me alone and in the dark with no light to guide me to a place I can call home.

The Beginning of an End?

Rain peddles across in many directions on my face as the wind brings in a harsh chaotic array of air that makes the water dry instantly around my cheeks. The rain brings a comforting chill to my body, a refreshing atonement of how vital water is when your skin needs to absorb necessary hydration. The undeniable thirst that the body craves is also the same undeniable hunger a woman searches for with love.

You, my sweet prince, are back and with butterflies fluttering I let the rain pour down on my head and face as I walk to the studio just to cool down the heat of anticipation. You come over to embrace me and I cannot help but want to fall into your arms and stay there. Your sweet wet lips on mine and the warmth of your hold captivate me.

I wrote a few weeks back about the coldness of your touch and I realize it was a defensive way of holding back the anxiety I knew I would feel once you came back after almost a year.

"There's nothing for me here in Canada anymore though, as of March 2nd I go back and I am not going to return". As much as I have heard similar tunes from you F, I feel for the first time this one is true.

After your class I left without you and as I exited the front doors of the building I realized how empty that moment became and that perhaps I really have to let go of the past; our past. The difficult question is how? How can I honestly go the rest of my life without seeing you?

You told me some troubling things about your family and it feels as though you need to push people away in order to remain calm. What if I said I understand you, that I accept you and that I love you for who you are, always have. A man that regained my self confidence, who taught me to be strong and who never stopped caring about me. To me, there is too much to just sweep away and if I get the chance I will come to you in Czech and I will tell you everything I always wanted to. if you really want it, it's all for you love~

Me and My Charms

You can come back when you want to
just know that I'll be here
I haven't left this step
and when the lights go out
I pick the angel up
I only have two hands...

Is she here? is she here right now?
drive her off; don't bother to call
I'm checking out today...

Me and My charms
When I kiss the angel I
have a taste of you
When I take the angel I
have a piece of you
I have a piece

You can come back
I haven't left you yet
and when the lights go out
I pick the angel up
I only have two left feet
All I have in my hands, me and my charms

When I kiss the angel I have a
taste of me and my charms

me and my charms down on the ground

you can't leave me now

I haven't left you yet

sunshine (to heal)

to say what you mean and what you want are probably the two hardest things to accomplish successfully. it's already November and as the clock ticks closer and closer to your arrival back to Vancouver I feel a warmth, a unified glow or rays of wanting and a means to tell you all that I had felt when you flew out of my life just eleven months prior. I thought at that time I would not get the chance to ever tell you that I succumbed to love. I wanted to tell you that I couldn't keep it simple; that I wanted to be more than just a love affair and I wanted mostly, to tell you to stay.

now that eleven months has passed and hearing the coldness of your voice through your letters makes me realize the glow is and will be of temporary means and no doubt it will not be the same as before until it will evidently fade into darkness.

I look back at our time fondly but it is so much dimmer than the inoculate fairy tale of light that you blinded me with. I wonder what will become of this forgotten love that so briefly had me entranced in a ray of light.

Your breath, your kiss, your touch was all I thought I needed to heal until I finally came to the conclusion that your breath was shallow, your kiss was passionless and your touch was cold.

...no need to worry though, my sunshine is exactly where I left it, all in the feel and kiss and touch of the man I truly love...E.

Eat, Pray, Love

i am at a loss, I have finally managed to push E away for good. He dumped me less than 48 hours ago and for some reason as much as I felt agony that day I have this waning sense of peace.

I entitle this posting 'Eat, Pray, Love' in celebration of not only the movie based on such an inspiring journal but perhaps a reawakening of myself, a journey into the unknown.

I thought losing E would be the end of me and perhaps it is an ending to the me I was so scared of losing; the timid girl who wanted nothing more than this man to give her life she was unable to find anywhere else. In the end E let me lose twenty fucking months I cannot get back.

Today my life starts over, today I need to make resolutions I am determined to keep, today I want to reestablish an entity of myself and who I am and what I need to keep healthy relationships and friendships..especially friendships.

I need to empower my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual sides and get myself on the right track of my financial instabilities.

I CAN do this but first I need to let go of the idea that I can't.

letters

Dear A,

You rub it in my face, your envy, with pictures

You love to put salt on the wounds

Your desperate for attention, his attention

And your fake smiles to my face

Deceive everyone but me

You think you know him better

You think you understand what he needs

You want his comfort, his warmth, his admiration

Fuck you bitch is all I have to say

Get your own man, cause it's about time you grew up

You want his friendship, I get that

You want someone to rely on, I can handle that

But what you don't understand

Is that I don't share well

And I want a man who's heart is with one woman

Not confused by two

I'd give anything for him

Could you say the same thing?

The reality of this episode

Is that the drama queen will get her crown

And with clever conviction

Will also receive her prince

,,,,,,,but not without a fight

And unless your willing to shed some blood for him

Back out gracefully.

The Subconscious Demon

There is that little demon in all of us that wishes to creep out at our most vulnerable moments; it secrets through our pores, pushes out with our breath and channels itself onto the thing we most desire right at that moment. The motive to be bad, the subconscious telling us to push away our moral fibers and secretly do something that feeds the demon. Two things my subconscious demon preys on : my inability to trust and my inability to have self control. Two ways I feed this demon: I justify any act of my boyfriends social life as either a threat or a means to humiliate me thus holding myself back from him and searching through his open files to find any means of satisfying my distrust. The second is luring myself into vulnerable situations that make me feel powerful and sexy and to justify just how much I feel hurt and abandoned by the one man I truly love...

Another case of the demon effect is the inability to accept positive communication when I suddenly receive it. E has been more that giving of his affections but in some instance it is a bit out of character for him and I feel the tug of insecurity and mistrust that pulls my mind into a whirlwind of assumptions. Have you ever overcompensated your love when you have been a naughty girl/guy? It's classic compensation of guilt behavior but I sit here wondering if that is really the case or I'm finally getting the affection I have wanted all this time from him?

The demon in me fires shots in all directions but one, I need to reassure myself for once that his intentions are truly honorable.